I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize