I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
