She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
