Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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