is your mom at the bar?
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
