guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize