Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
