dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
