Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
