the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
