you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
