i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
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