I love how my cats smell like pot.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
