I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Randomize
