Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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