Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
