I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
