I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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