I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
