My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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