1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
