At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Randomize
