Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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