This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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