What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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