I skipped work to stalk him.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
