giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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