..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Randomize
