just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
