I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
