Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
