A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
