My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
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