Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
