Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
