I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
