I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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