Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize