even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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