A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Reggie can tackle my bush.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
