How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
