my vag is so smooth its legendary
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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