Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
