how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
