apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
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