just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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