are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
