I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
