Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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