she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
