She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
