I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Randomize
