Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
