# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
