I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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