I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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