i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
