I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
