The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
