My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
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