who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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