dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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