I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
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