filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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