His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
